I have no desire to do this anymore. Well, not completely. But I just have no drive to stay up til 4am working on homework for a class im already doing good in. Instead, i'll be staying up late studying for an exam in a class im doing crappy in. But as far as 2D design goes...I hate it. Im pretty good at it, but I hate it. The professor just demands a lot, well it seems that way anyways. I didnt stay up last night to work on it. I didnt get up early this morning to work on it either. Instead a lay in bed for 2 hours. finally got up about and hour ago, worked on it A LITTLE. Time is just going by way slow. Fucking day light savings time shit. All I have to do is pass with a C- or better, so I think I'll just slack off some. yeah. just a little bit. Hopefully it doesnt lead to slacking off a ton later. UGH. I have an exam to study for, and a friggin paper to write. a 4-6 page paper, due NOVEMBER 19TH. UGH. asidhtjddflkjfduahfSHIT.

Its come down to lying and secrets...it sickens me. I dont know what to believe anymore. Or what to listen to. I just want us both to be happy. and i dont want to fuck up her life anymore than it already is. but apparently im no good at that. I just dont know what the fuck to do anymore. i just want her to be happy. US to be happy. Life to be blissful. Nothings ever going to be like that. EVER. Just one complication after another. Another crack in the wall. Another fire to burn. Pure chaos and madness..

The semester is half over, and I'm caught in a pickle. I love it here and want to make something of myself. But I also love my family. Both of them, actually. But it costs so much to go here. I can't continue mooching off people. I can't go on pretending I'm going to survive through my friends. I can't afford to go here. But I really don't want to leave. Its a great school. The economy needs to get better. Obama needs to actually do something instead of saying he will and do nothing.

I want to work myself to the bone making money. I want to be 10 minutes from my family, not 7 hours. I want to have money and not constantly worry about paying my bills on time. The stress of going to school, passing school, and paying for it is getting too great. I can't bear to hold these weights up anymore. Lynn needs to do something, or help with something. My knees are giving in, and my body is crumbling under this weight.

I don't want to throw this all away, but I can't bear it anymore. This just isnt worth it.. 

So we started off this Glourious day with Drawing! :D Which ended 3 hours early, but instead of being able to leave asap, instead were stuck with removing, exchanging and replacing my friends car battery. It was dead, like completely. We bought a new one and replaced it. We thought it fixed the problem. It didnt. About an hour or so into our trip, the car starts going bonkers. The battery is so dead, the computer couldnt function. We coasted off into this town called Coffeeville, and yes for you Memphians, its spelled right; its not collierville. and for you non-Memphians/local natives there is a fucking hick town called Coffeeville. Very nice people there. We rode 40 miles in a tow truck Greenwood, MS. I could be home by now. but this car is fucked up. The alternator is bad. So even though with a brand new battery it did us no good. We were doomed from the get go.

( Because you see... )

While I sit here, pondering what precisely to write, several thoughts flow through my head: Sustainability, Modernism, Architecture, and collage.

I'm really sort of inspired by that lecture. I feel this severe urge to go look into modern architecture, and the different styles influenced by different areas. I'm curious as to learn more about "sustainability" and what one could do to promote this or help design homes around modern architecture and sustainability. 

Collage. The topic that haunts my mind. I, regretably, dozed off once during the lecture, and all that was on my mind was COLLAGE. I HATE collage for 2D design. Its haunts my thoughts, and just sucks. Unless you can have fun with it and create something abstract and amazing. But instead, I can't. I have to make it some what parallel to my drawing, and not too complex so it will look like my papercut rendering I have yet to do.

At this moment, however, I sit here in my apartment trying to dry off. Its been raining all day. its supposed to rain the next two days. Rain is a real downer. Period. Unless you can revel in the beauty of the day with a just slight drizzle and sunlight purging through the clouds. But it wasn't. It was dull, and dismal and wet. At the moment I'm listening to a podcast, explaining the American health care system, specifically, why it is that costs keep rising. Gotta love NPR and Chicago Public Radio. 

i've stayed up til like 4 am. all weekend. and it will continue tonight. I have major homework projects to do, and i dont have to money to even spend on some of them. 2D design can burn in flames. I hate this. blah. AAAAHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH 

School. I want to finish school. Here, in memphis. No where else. I don't fucking care if it kills me. \
If she can't understand that what I want is what's best for me, then I guess its just not worth my time. 

I don't want to finish school as quickly as possible to jump into the working world. 
I'd rather take my time, learn everything I can that's useful, and get a high quality education. That's just how I want to work. 
I love her, I do. But It's not worth it to me to give up what I already have. Granted, however, that can go two ways. 
The quality of education comes at a price. Period. You can't expect fantastic education, at $3000 a year. 

Decisions are important. Thats how we get around through life. And sometimes the most dreadful decisions are necessary. 

I can't fucking deal with this. I just want to pack my shit and leave tomorrow. Fuck school. Fuck the exams. Fuck mid-terms. I can't take being away from people i care about. And cant fucking take not being able to make one single person happy. 

I want to be the selfish person, and do whats right for me. But I also just want to make people happy. What the hell is wrong with me. All i ever try to do is make people happy. I cant even make myself happy. 

Waking up with out her by my side is like waking up in a bed half my size.

It was lonely. I was cold. The heater was a piece of shit, and she isn't here to warm me.
I have much homework to do before tomorrow. I still don't want to do it. 

She came to see me. ME. She drove almost 400 miles to see ME.

She arrived, not at my door step, but at my school. I was on the phone with her as i jumped in front of her car. She was excited and mad at the same time. She didnt know I had pierced my septum, so therefore utterly upset. I drove us to my apartment so she could relieve herself, and so this momentus reunion could begin. All I really wanted to do was just hold her, and never let her go. We went to bed that night side by side in eachothers arms. It had been long enough for the both of us, all we wanted to do was hold eachother. 

When we awakened Saturday morning, I had no intention of doing homework like I otherwise would have. We got ourselves dressed and i fixed us a bowl of cereal and she updated her Facebook and MySpace. I drove us to the Wolfchase Galleria and Mall. We spent nearly 4 hours there. I didn't hate it one bit. Her mom texted her while we were at the mall and told her she had to return tonight, Sunday, not tomorrow. We left the mall and stopped at the Bass Pro Shop, then returned home. Later that evening, we went out to eat at IHOP with my friends from school. I had tricked her into meeting Michelle, whom she didn't want to meet and didn't like being tricked into. After eating, we all went with her to the tattoo shop for her to get her tongue pierced. I stood by her side, and she held my hand, squeezing it as tight as humanly possible for her. It was just like the summer when we went to her appointments. We left the tattoo shop, and went to Wal Mart for some food she could actually eat with a newly pierced tongue. On the way home we stopped at Metz Hall, where Rhianna, Olivia, and Michelle lived. I got some music together, and burned her a couple CDs for her ride home. She got me into Owl City. We went to sleep that night, at first in my bed, but then we moved to the air mattress because its bigger. 

We awakened this morning, about 10:30. We always seem to sleep in that late when we stay with eachother. We took a shower, got dressed, and started packing everything up. I packed the car for her and she just sat at my computer. I double checked to make sure she didn't leave anything. I finished and just sat on the edge of my bed and looked into her eyes. She was crying. I grabbed her and held her tightly. The tears just began to flow. We took pictures then, since we had forgotten to all weekend. We exchanged many "I Love You's" and held eachother tightly. I took my prized green duct tape wallet, checked to make sure it was empty and put it in her purse. We took more pictures with our phones, and then I walked her out to her car, made sure everything was packed, we kissed some more and then I stepped back and watched as she drove away. Through the parking lot, and then a left turn onto Rembert. I thought my world was going to fall apart. I returned to my apartment and began to cry heavily. I went to her MySpace, went through her pictures and just cried and cried. 15 minutes later, she showed up at my door. Knocking on my window first, I dried my tears for I knew not of who it was. As I opened my door, and say through the glass her beautiful face, my heart began beating fast. I was worried she had forgotten something. She hadn't. She didnt have to leave then, so she returned to spend the afternoon with me.

We exchanged many hugs and kisses again. This was more of what I expected the first time she arrived. Now it seems that my dreaded piercing didnt matter one bit. She just wanted me and all i wanted was her. I poured some applesauce for her. She needed something to eat. I still looked like had been crying. I sat at the computer, turned on some music, went to facebook and deleted my previous status. She sat in my lap as I browsed through my files. She wrote something for me and i was trying to find it. I found it. Titled "to joshie." It was written in green type, size 36 font. I read it, turned to her with her big smile and hopeful eyes, and embraced her with a kiss. I got up to make us some mashed potatoes. Cheesey mashed potatoes at that. She browsed for halloween costumes on the internet. I returned and we ate mashed potatoes. Her piercing hurt so bad she couldn't eat that much. It was almost 3. We went for a lengthy drive to get some gas. Across the street from the gas station was a Party City. We stopped inside to look at the costumes. After there, we left, stopped by the apartment, then went to Rite Aid. She was in need of medicine for her tongue. We returned to the apartment, and we said goodbye once more. Not as hard this time, but still not easy. We shared many kisses and long embraces before I finally got out, and she hopped over, turned on the GPS, and proceeded to leave. I made sure she buckled up, It was my duty. I watched her drive through the parking lot, and then left onto Rembert.

I went inside to my apartment, with a gentle sob. Sat down at my computer and realized i never gave her a copy of my schedule for the year. I texted her to tell her. She asked if she should come back or not. I replied telling her only if she felt it necessary. She decided not to come back, saying bye again would be hard. So i agreed, and we decided that i'd some how get her that copy. After a couple of minutes, I proceeded to move my bed back to the way it was and sobbed some more. I found her orange socks with the gray stars. They got shoved under the bed when we moved the air mattress. I couldnt control it anymore, I just cried and cried. She said it was okay, to keep them. I said i'd keep them forever. She was okay with that.  She had my wallet, I had her socks. It was even. 

So guys here it goes...
Im in college now, I attend Memphis College of Art in Memphis, Tennessee. :D
Its a great place, only been here a week, and i've made TONS of friends.
We went down town last night for trolley night. It was amazing.
Um, i have 5 classes. not too bad. Some are just UBER long!
At the moment, Im hanging out with Michelle, and Rhianna at Metz hall.
Macs are utterly AHH-may-ZING, sadly though, I wont be able to get one this school year;
i dont think i'll be able to get one next year either.
Oh well though. More updates to come in due time.



"They say a captain goes down with his ship, so when the world ends will God go down too?"

"Love will last as long as the heart can endure the challenges it has been faced with."

 I can't take this anymore.
This guilt. 
This hurt.
I'm reaching an inevitable breaking point.
There's just no one to go to anymore.
The friends I thought I had, aren't.
Gabbi is just making this worse.
I'm supposed to tell her whats wrong;
Yet when I do, it gets used against me.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
I guess i'll just go on with my plans.
Leave her in four months.
And that'll be the end.
All my love i've poured into her; It'll just go to nothing.
I thought she was the one; that was my fault.
I shouldn't have built my hopes up.
Even the strongest of intentions crumble.
Mine are still.

Why?
Why do I forgive people so easily after they've wronged me?
Why?

I don't really know. 
But I do.

I shoulda taken Don's advice and ended the relationship.
She cheated, I didn't deserve it. 
I want to take it all back. every ounce of it.
Everything I've poured into this. 

 So I almost woke up screaming but I didn't. 
I held it in.
I had a dream, the craziest dream...


I was at home, not working (for once, haha). My brother was outside, playing or goofing off and came to my dad complaining about his arm.
Dad was busy, didn't do anything about it. So my brother just waited til later. Then in the evening, he complained about it to dad again.
Dad poked at it, and moved it around and such, and then got the biggest kitchen knife we had. He brought it back over to my brother (my subconscious self thought, was gonna nick the skin and get what was in, out). He went to my brother with the knife and started cutting his arm off AT THE ELBOW! I was horrified. All there was was blood running down his arm. Dad just kept cutting through his arm, like it didn't matter. 


Im tellin you, crazy shit.

Life as i know it is speeding up.
I struggle to keep up.
Im running, faster and faster.
Hoping, praying that I won't trip.
My heels catching, then slipping.
I catch on.
It's dragging me along.
I stumble on every little bump.
Every little crack. 
It begins to speed up.
My fingers begin to slip.
I cry out in pain.
The force of my body being drug along.
I can't take it. 
Just one stroke, it'll all be over.
Just one cut.
Everything turns black.
I awaken, exhausted.




so seriously, i just effing came up with that.
speaks a lot, doesnt it?
I thought so.





 

Freak out.
Its just habit.
I start thinking of every possible thing that they'd need to talk about.
All before we get to talking.
Sometimes i can just sense what is gonna happen.
Like when me and jennifer broke up recently, i could tell by her lack of communication the weekend before. =/

But usually i just freak out. and over react. and yeah...bleh

Its been a MONTH since I last posted.
Thats a long effin time. baaaaaddddd of me.
Well it is presently the evening of Septembre 9th, 2008.
That you will notice by the date and time posted above...
Basically i have a lot to say, and nothing to say.
School has been going great.
We've got two games, and two performances done.
This friday is an away game against st. martin.
Im looking forward to it, mostly because i dont really like to be at home.
and playing music makes me feel good.
But one thing that gets under my skin is Colby, him and his bad attitude.
Im not gonna get started on that though, cause' im in a pretty decent mood.

I should have a job soon. VERY SOON. hopefully.
then i'll be bringin in some dough. woo!

thats my mini update for now...

The words of an amazing guy named Jeff Mills.

This past week I had band camp/drum camp.
Learned a lot of valuable things.
Like how i some how can play in 4/4 but mark time in 5/16, which is beyond me.
I suck at marking time, CORRECTLY. I start out right, but then it just turns to shit.
School starts Thursday, I still HAVEN'T fixed my schedule.
BUT I did go shoppin saturday and got some new clothes. spent like 200 bucks at Hot Topic,
them mofo's is be 'spensive.

ugh, we have a mutha fuckin parade saturday.
Thats gonna blow, BIG time.